BEYOND WORDS

A REFLECTION ON THE APOLOGY TO MEMBERS OF THE 2S & LGBTQIA+ COMMUNITIES

HARMED BY THE UNITED CHURCH OF CANADA by Rev. Karen Low (Re-Affirm Mentor)

INTRODUCTION

It has been said that we are living in the ‘age of apology’ where apology has become the customary response by political or public figures or institutions in times of scandal or crisis. This is evidenced, for example, by the abundance of apologies issued in the wake of the global #MeToo or #TimesUp movements. This broader trend has also been accompanied by what has been termed ‘apology aversion’ or ‘backlash’ where the cultural saturation of public apologies has diluted their significance and impact.

Literature on apologies establishes their broader utility in addressing the legacy of the past and some of the essential elements which they should contain. In this sense, an effective apology must have specific acknowledgement of wrongdoing and of victim suffering; be unequivocal and sincere; convey remorse or regret; be given voluntarily and without the expectation of forgiveness; and promise non-repetition.

A public apology is one of the many ways that a Church may address past wrongs and those who have been harmed by its actions. Apologies are not just social formalities. Done well, for both the giver and the receiver they can hold deep spiritual resonance. A good apology acknowledges harm, begins to heal relationships, and paves the way for the restoration of harmony, not only between individuals, but within communities and societies. In light of the upcoming apology by the United Church, to be issued to members of the 2S & LGBTQIA+ communities for their history of experiencing homophobia, transphobia, and/or biphobia within the Church, its structures and policies, the concept of apology becomes more than just an act of remorse; it functions as a call for reconciliation, healing and transformation.

It is helpful to step back and think about the meaning of such statements as these occasions provide opportunity to explore the spiritual foundations of apology through a broader lens, touching on both traditional theological teaching and this landmark moment of potential renewal. It gives us the chance to look at the more complex aspects of apology, questioning whether this will make any difference to those who have been so wounded by the Church. While we may note some biblical or doctrinal points of reference, there is no set formula for this kind of apology.

THE MEANING OF APOLOGY IN SPIRITUAL TERMS

At its core, an apology is an admission that something has gone wrong, often at a deep, relational level. From a spiritual perspective, it is more than an expression of regret; it is an acknowledgement that we have violated a sacred connection – whether with a person, a community, or a divine understanding of justice, love and grace.

The apology to members of the 2S & LGBTQIA+ communities harmed by the United Church of Canada serves as a potent reminder of the potential for religious harm perpetrated within even “liberal” denominations and how spiritual communities must actively seek to repair shattered relationships. For many years, 2s & LGBTQIA+ individuals were condemned, excluded, marginalized, and erased within the Church, its teaching and its courts. It is important to avoid a self-righteousness of the present in denouncing past actions, as pockets of this such discrimination can still exist.

An apology should acknowledge the harm done, the brokenness created and move us toward reconciliation. In Christian theology, the process could be compared to the concept of repentance and forgiveness. In the Bible, repentance isn’t just about saying, “I’m sorry”; it is about turning around – a commitment to change. Repentance produces conversion, whereas remorse merely produces sorrow. A good apology is not just a statement of regret for past harm, but a promise to embrace the future with a changed perspective – not just in the moment, but on an ongoing basis. A public statement may also be an important way to promote accountability.

An apology acknowledges that the past cannot be undone, and any one statement is inadequate. An apology is never sufficient, but it may nevertheless be a necessary element, or even a turning point, in a larger process. It provides a perch from which to view its hurtful past and confess that the Church as a body was responsible for the harm that was committed. Examining and understanding the history is crucial so as not to repeat it.

Apology, in its truest spiritual sense, should invite us to transcend ego, to acknowledge fault, and to make reparation for the harm that was caused. The act of apologizing should begin to bring change in all hearts involved – not just to those who have been wronged but to those who were complicit in the harm. It reminds us that we are all part of a larger tapestry and when one part is torn, it affects us all.

True spiritual apology is rooted in empathy and compassion. It is not enough to simply apologize for harm; one must also feel and understand the pain caused. An authentic apology reflects an awareness of the suffering of the other. In the case of the United Church’s apology, this moment marks a profound acknowledgement of the pain and injustice faced by 2s & LBGTQIA+ individuals, particularly those who were denied a place in the church for much of its history. The apology is an expression of compassion, an attempt to bear witness to the collective grief and trauma of the community.

In Jesus’ teachings, compassion is the cornerstone of faith. The act of apologizing is not just about admitting fault but about standing in solidarity with those who have suffered. This was the foundation of Jesus’ ministry – reaching out to the marginalized, the outcast, those pushed to the edges of society. When the Church apologizes, it is echoing that divine call to love all, to welcome all, to include all – no qualifications, no exceptions.

In many spiritual traditions, the ultimate goal of life is harmony and balance. An apology, when offered with sincerity, is an act of restoring that balance, both within individuals and communities. For the Church, this apology can be a vital step toward balancing its polities, polices, practices and procedures with its values of inclusion and social justice. Paul’s letters in the New Testament emphasize a ministry of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18) – a divine call to restore broken relationships. The United Church’s apology takes a step toward fulfilling this divine calling, aiming to bring about healing, justice and equity where once there was harm.

WILL IT BE ENOUGH?

For individuals and communities who have experienced harm, apologies can be a crucial step in reparation. They can help to reduce feelings of anger, resentment and trauma associated with past wrongs. Public apologies can be a way for institutions to acknowledge their role in these injustices and begin to address the damage they have caused. While apologies cannot erase the past, they can be a necessary step is a broader process of truth-telling, reconciliation and systemic change. By modeling ethical behaviour, they can encourage a culture of responsibility and integrity within their own structures and foster a more just future. A true apology involves risk - reconciliation through apology can only happen if the offender shows a clear sense of remorse and fully accepts responsibility for their actions, including the possibility of not being forgiven.

How this apology will land with members of the 2S & LGBTQIA+ community is yet to be seen and felt. While the United Church’s apology may be offered in all sincerity and with the best of intentions, ultimately, it is up to those who hear it, and those who were harmed by the Church, to determine its efficacy. We may not all hear it with the same ears or receive it with the same grace. And unfortunately, there will be some who have left the Church because of the harm experienced and will not hear the apology at all.

For some there may be scepticism - will this turn out to be a case of: “Here we go again … another set of consultations, conversations, 2S & LGBTQIA+ folx making themselves vulnerable. Another round of raised hopes, promises and … well, nothing really changes”? For other survivors, an official apology, no matter how effusive, will be meaningless given the scale of the harm done, the trauma experienced, and the decades-long wait for acknowledgement of wrongdoing on the part of the Church. To now wait around for it to be “lived into” is just more doubt about the real intentions of the apology in the first place.

The Apology states that over the past decade the Church “has engaged in intentional listening processes to better understand the experiences of 2SLGBTQIA+ people within The United Church of Canada.” Deep listening and truly hearing is a vital precursor to apology. One can only hope that, once the apology has been spoken, people felt listened to. Because, in the end, it is not for the listeners to decide if they have heard the community. How the Church responds over time will bear that out.

The Apology is an acknowledgement of some of the failings of the past and the work that needs to be done if it is to mean anything at all. Stories from those who have been too hurt by the Church to hear the apology as anything other than shallow words, insincere, too little too late, are good reminders that, lest they slip into self-congratulatory hubris, the Church still has plenty of work to do. ‘Apology’ is simply one more step along the way to reconciliation, to affirmation, to inclusion, to justice, to equity, to love. The harder piece for the Church will be to work out what it looks like to live into the apology made – how will we all be different because of it?

What is without question is that our community deserves an apology. Harvey Milk once said: “If you are not personally free to be yourself in that most human of all activities – the expression of love – then life itself loses its meaning.” And in the very place where we are called to love, to be love, to show love, to love one another even as we have been loved … we were rejected. We deserve an apology because for decades, instead of celebrating us or being in awe of us for surviving or even thriving in an environment that denied us and erased us, you were silent. We deserve an apology because, even though the Church accepts a reputation for being a shining example of inclusion and social justice, our community is still hurting.

We did not deserve what happened to us. We deserved so much more. The Church failed us. The Church, our Church allowed unchecked spiritual & emotional harm to be levied against us. We deserve an apology. If we thrive(d), our thriving does not erase the trauma we experienced. If we struggle(d), our struggling is not a sign of weakness or deficit. No particular response outweighs the other or negates the damage or harm.

We are allowed to feel exactly how we feel about the apology and the Church that offers it – whether we want to shake off the memories of the past like dust from our sandals, dedicate time and energy to holding them to account in making certain the United Church follows through on their promise to live into their apology, forgive and forget, or view this with cynicism and not trust a word of it – whatever we are feeling is ok.

We are and always have been worthy of God’s unconditional and abiding love. We have, and always have had, a rightful place of belonging in the Church. We deserve to know that and feel that in our bones.

CONCLUSION

The apology to the members of the 2S & LGBTQIA+ communities harmed by the United Church of Canada, to be delivered August 8, 2025, at the 45th General Council has the opportunity to mark a significant turning point in the relationship between the church and marginalized groups. At the very least, it serves as a reminder to all parties that good, honest and sincere apologies are not mere formalities but are deeply spiritual acts of humility, healing and transformation - if they are not the end of the sentence but instead are the beginning of ongoing conversation that promotes justice, inclusion and reconciliation.

For the United Church this apology needs not to be the end of a journey, but the beginning of a new chapter – one where 2s & LGBTQIA+ individuals can be seen, heard and fully included in all areas in the life of the church no matter where they find themselves. It needs to stand as a model for how spiritual communities can confront their histories, heal broken relationships and move forward with renewed commitment to justice and love for all in the model of Christ.

If a community is truly sorry, it must be open to change and transformation in way it might not yet see. Years ago, during the Truth & Reconciliation process Murray Sinclair, Chair of that Commission, spoke about reconciliation as a process in which we don’t know where the path will go. If the church is truly sorry for its past and honest about living into its future with our community, it will need to trust the Spirit. When the United Church made its apology to the Indigenous peoples in 1986, a group within the church acknowledged that apology but did not accept it. They said an apology must be lived out. And so, an unfinished cairn of stones was erected in Sudbury where the original statement was first made. Over time, stones have been added to mark positive developments in the relationship between Indigenous people and settlers in the church.

Recalling the apology and tending the cairn calls for ongoing conversation and deepening of relationships. Such an act is not reconciliation - it is, at best, a marker of a promise to be open to transformation. It stands as a focal point to ongoing listening to what the Spirit is saying to the Church. May we all have the grace to truly hear and follow the Spirit’s leading beyond words …